Closer to God: Encouragement for the One Who Grew Up in Church, But Not Yet in Christ—And You, Too

Someone once said to me, “I wish I was as close to God as you are.”

And I get it—because sometimes, I feel far away, too. But then I remember:I’m already as close to God as I’ll ever be.

He’s in me. You can’t get any closer thanthat.

I don't believe any one believer is "closer" to God than another. If that were true, then closeness would be earned—and that would make it a competition. I don't want to be better than anyone. I just want to be better than the old version of me.

And truth be told—I still mess up. I still make mistakes. I still wrestle with my flesh (the lowest part of my being). So who am I to look down on anyone else?

From Shame to Surrender

I haven’t always thought this way.

I didn’t judge others, but Ididjudge myself—harshly. I was full of shame, pain, and even suicidal thoughts.

Then I lost my mother and my brother to suicide.

I became convinced that life wasn’t worth living.

But in the midst of that darkness,God showed me ME—not the broken version, not just a performer—but someoneministering around the world.

And I made a decision:

I would stick around to see God’s plan unfold.

Still Here, Still Trusting

Eight years later... I’m still not famous.

In fact, someone famous copied my work.

I’ve shown up online to silence.

I’ve hosted events no one came to.

I’ve invited people to pray who never responded.

It’s frustrating when the promise hasn’t come to pass yet.

One day, I got tired—not tired enough to give up, but tired enough to surrender.

“Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

— Matthew 11:28

I said, “God, why hasn’t it happened yet?”

And as I listened to myself, something clicked:

Didn’t I give God my life?

So why didn’t my motives match that surrender?

I realized: I was chasing the promise more than the presence.

I was seeking personal gain.

And maybe—it was God’s mercy that was holding it all back.

I wasn’t ready.

The Prayer That Changed Me

A little while after that, I prayed a dangerous prayer. One that changed everything:

“If for one moment I live for me, Lord, help me fail at everything I try.

If I’m motivated by personal gain, make me feel all kinds of pain.

My cry is ‘holy, holy, holy.’

Someone needs me to be holy.”

And God answered—not by giving me a platform, but by giving me truth.

My cousin sent me sermons that re-lit my fire for God.

I stopped settling for“nobody’s perfect”and started living in“God is perfect—and He lives in me.”

I stopped just believing in the promises God madeto meand started believing in the promise ofsalvation:

That I will be like Jesus.

What Does It Mean to Be “Close to God”?

Being “close to God” isn’t about how spiritual I seem.

It’s not about influence, knowledge, or even holiness.

To me, it means being closer to acting like Him.

And God has done a work in me.

I still fall short.

Sometimes I beat myself up over small things: a facial expression, my tone of voice, not loving myself well enough...

But today, I can see the difference between who I was and who I’m becoming.

That gives me hope.

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

— Philippians 1:6

You Were Always Meant to Be This You

The version of me I see now—the one I can be proud of—was always inside.

Even when I couldn’t see it through the pain, the shame, or the silence.

Today, I’m not just healed.

My inner child is healed.

I was able to capture that healing in a new project—and I hope it brings healing to you, too.

Introducing: Sound Doctrine

My new project, Sound Doctrine, introduces a concept I live by:

SAUCE — Self Awareness Uniquely Constructed for Eternity.

It flows through every lyric, every sound, every message.

If you’re looking for something original—something that doesn’t compromise truth—you’ll find it in Sound Doctrine.

To the one who grew up in church but never quite found Christ—this is for you.

And for the one who knows Him but feels far away—this is for you, too.

You’re not alone.

You are as close to God as you’ll ever be—because He is in you.